I certainly have written some dorkish reviews before, but this next one might be the dorkiest one of them all. I give you my alphabetical review of The ABC’s of Death, a conceptual horror anthology in where 26 directors each came up with a different short film to represent each letter of the alphabet.
A is for Apocalypse (Dir. Nacho Vigalondo), or A is for Atrocious CGI accompanying average acting amidst an asinine premise.
B is for Bigfoot (Dir. Adrian Garcia Bogliano), or B is for Bad behavior of babysitter as he butt bangs a bare breasted beauty before being brutally bludgeoned by a big bad boogeyman in bona fide B-movie fashion.
C is for Cycle (Dir. Ernesto Diaz Espinoza), or C is for Commendable crowning copycat creation about a Timecrimes-esq clone choking clone choking clone choking…. yeah, C is for Cycle.
D is for Dogfight (Dir. Marcel Sarmiento), or D is for Damn! Dats da best use of slow-motion in a short film that I’ve seen in some time! (pictured above)
E is for Exterminate (Dir. Angela Bettis), or E is for Eight legged egg laying ear exiting insects who excel in eliciting endless eerie-ness to Entomophobics. Entertaining.
F is for Fart (Dir. Noboru Iguchi), or F is for Filmmaker’s far-out and freaky flatulence huffing fetish fantasy that’s far more fucking weird than funny. (pictured above)
G is for Gravity (Dir. Andrew Traucki), or G is for Give me back that 2 minutes of my life.
H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion (Dir. Thomas Cappelen Malling), or H is for Huh? This handiwork heteromorphic hop into history is about a hound and a… wait a minute, is he hitting her in the…? with a…? Huh?
I is for Ingrown (Dir. Jorge Michel Grau), or I is for Intense ickiness ending idiotically.
J is for Jidai-geki (Samurai Movie) (Dir. Yudai Yamaguchi), or J is for Just another stupid Japanese extreme joke of a film.
K is for Klutz (Dir. Anders Morganthaler), or K is for Killer kartoon krap.
L is for Libido (Dir. Timo Tjahjanto), or L is for Lewd for Lewdness sake.
M is for Miscarriage (Dir. Ti West), or M is for Misfired attempt at minute long motion picture making.
N is for Nuptials (Dir. Banjong Pisanthanakun), or N is for Naughty non-thinking nincompoop and neat name-dropping bird in this not bad narrative.
O is for Orgasm (Dirs. Bruno Forzani and Hélène Cattet), or O is for Omnipresent orated ohhhhhhs over an ode to olden giallo-ish saturated oranges and other iridescent optical overlays. (Pictured above)
P is for Pressure (Dir. Simon Rumley), or P is for Poor pretty kitty pays the piercing price of a penny-pinching prostitute in a picture apparently pieced together during post by a person in perhaps a puzzling piece of mind.
Q is for Quack (Dir. Adam Wingard), or Q is for Quasi meta quick quip that’s questionably quirky.
R is for Removed (Dir. Srdjan Spasojevic), or R is for Ravaged reel rearing and real gross man reaps revenge, runs away, then retreats beneath red rains.
S is for Speed (Dir. Jake West), or S is for Silly sub-par scripted scenes showing some sped-up space cadets’ suns set before being sent to the stars.
T is for Toilet (Dir. Lee Hardcastle), or T is for Tee-hee-hee. This tale of a toddler’s tragic termination touched the tone of tibia tickling travesty to a T.
U is for Unearthed (Dir. Ben Wheatley), or U is for Unworthy of being in the same filmography as Wheatley’s other feature-length gems, Sightseers, Kill List and Down Terrace.
V is for Vagitus (The Cry of a Newborn Baby) (Dir. Kaare Andrews), or V is for Vexatiously vacuous and vacantly vapid science-fiction view of Vancouverians vanquishing violence on the vulnerable vernal.
W is for WTF! (Dir. Jon Schnepp), or W is for Witless whopping weird waste of wadded whirlwind wickedness where walruses, warriors, wheelchairs, weapons, and walking dead wreck warlike wolfishness on the world?
X is for XXL (Dir. Xavier Gens), or X is for X-tremely hard to watch. X-tremely well-done. X-citing practical effects. X-cellent all around! (pictured above)
Y is for Young Buck (Dir. Jason Eisner), or Y is for Yeah, cool music video of a youth yielding death upon a yokel.
Z is for Zetsumetsu (Extinction) (Dir. Yoshihiro Nishimura) or Zoctor Zrangelove, or: how I learned to stop worrying and love the zonked out zippy zeal of Japan’s horror fantasies.